The crazy English language

English is the most widely used language in the history of planet. One in every seven human beings can speak it. More then half of the world’s books and three-quarters of international mail are in English. Of all languages, English has the largest vocabulary, prepares as many as two million words – and one of the noblest bodies of literature.

Nonetheless, let’s face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, neither pine nor apple in pineapple, and no ham in hamburger. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweet meats are candy, while sweet breads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

 We take English for granted. But when we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither a pig nor guinea. And why is it that a writer writes, but finger don’t fing, grocers don’t grocer and hammer don’t ham? 

Doesn't it seem loopy that you can make amends but not just amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not just one annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and you get rid of all but one what do you call it? If a teacher taught, why isn’t it true that the preacher praught? If a horse hair mat is made from the horses and the camel’s hair coat is made from the hair of camels, from what is a mohair coat made?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Some times I wonder if all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for all verbally insane. In what other language do people drive on a parkway and park in a driveway? Recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell, one day and cold as hell the next? While quite a lot and quite a few are alike? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burns up as it burns down, in which you a form by filling it out and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which of course isn’t really a race at all).

That is why, when stars are out they are visible, but when lights are out they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch I starts it, but when I wind up this essay I ends it……